Watch out, men of the world! pt. 5: The Monroe Doctrine

So, have been seeing Monroe on a semi-regular basis. He is a very sweet boy. The perfect gentleman, really: thoughtful, conscientious, gentle, goofy. A genuine nice guy. A big contrast, in many ways, to the ex. I suppose that’s what we look for in a rebound: whatever was missing from the previous relationship.

I warned him during our last date that I was just getting out of a long relationship, that it was a risk to date me, there was the danger of rebounding, etc.–I wanted him to make an informed decision. I told him I could call him in a few months if he preferred. He shrugged and said, do you see me running away? He said, you’ll be fine.

I don’t think he understands what a rebound relationship entails. But he was forewarned; what else can I do, short of going all weepy about my ex on him? I’ve definitively ended that relationship and have absolutely no interest in its resurrection (note to self; in recent weeks, ex has been acting like a zombie: rising from the dead and then trying to consume my heart and brain. But one very long and stormy phone conversation took care of that).

Roomie says Monroe is completely smitten, based on recent behavior. He’s a nice person and I enjoy his company, although I don’t want to get emotionally invested in another serious relationship at this point. Not sure how I can protect his feelings AND just have the sort of free-wheeling fun I’m looking for right now.

HALP!

p.s. Monroe smells funny. Not hygiene or cologne related…but you know ladies, that underlying SCENT of a person? I don’t like his. It just smells…wrong. Anything I can do?

Ugly duckling syndrome

Last night, I was talking to the roomie about dating. I told her that when I get dressed up, put on makeup, all that jazz, etc., I know I look good–to me. I’m satisfied. I look in the mirror and feel pleased. But I’m always shocked–shellshocked! that men find me attractive as well. I’m rather astonished by this phenomenon.

Ugly duckling syndrome, she said. Let’s face it: I was not a looker in high school. Acne, extra weight, no concept of hair products or makeup…a lot of studying and nerdy pursuits. It was a fun childhood, though; an extended childhood, really, because she and I spent high school innocent of dating and its vagaries.

Then, I had a period of blossoming in college; lost some weight, started wearing makeup, learned the secrets of hair gel. Boys were interested! And I felt flattered…but I also felt contempt. Wasn’t I the same person, after all? Only the packaging changed.

So, post college, gained back some weight (ah, grad school). Now, it’s coming off again; I’m down about 25 lbs. And I’m just not used to the attention again, and it’s discomfiting. A bit foreign. For all his faults, my ex (Mr. P), loved me and my body even at its highest weight; I feel, then, vaguely suspicious of men who are interested in me now. Self-defeating? Yes, enormously.

This is going to take some time to figure out.

Watch out, men of the world! pt. 4: Meh

So I have been on a few more dates since my last update. And, I have to say…meh. Just meh.

Went on a 2nd date with Adams. It was…ok. I had already decided by the beginning of the date that I didn’t want to see him again, at least not romantically. Why? His outfit. I know. I shouldn’t be shallow. But who wears a faded black tshirt and khakis (the same outfit as the 1st date, actually) to a 2nd date? I wore a nice green dress with pretty scarf and heels; we looked mismatched, I must say. The whole thing stank of apathy, and I was quite happy to bid him adieu.

Then there was Madison. Now, all my life I have suffered the moaning of self-identified nice guys: girls are shallow! All they want are the hot guys! What about us nice guys? We never get a chance! In the interests of bucking the trend, I guess, I went on a date with Madison, who was not my type. Short, plain, slightly rotund, mousy, but with a really interesting, well-written profile. So I figured, hey. You never know, right? So I went on a date with him. And it was…everything I expected. He was obviously intelligent, well-spoken, a nice guy, clearly; but there was zero chemistry. None zip nada. He was also fixated on online gambling (he was currently unemployed). Also, I got the sense that he had father issues. And all this on the first date! He did dress up, I think–a button down shirt and clean pants–but he coupled that with sneakers. Sneakers! I shook his hand and told him I’d see him around.

Next came Monroe, with whom I went on not one but two dates. There’s a bit of a story behind this one. The first time he requested a date on chemistry.com, I turned him down because I was meeting up with a friend who was headed to Africa for a year. So we finally made arrangements for a date at a local cafe. So come last Saturday, I showed up (about 5 minutes late) to a cafe, looked around, didn’t see him. Hm. Then I realize that I am at the WRONG CAFE. Realize also that I don’t have his phone number. Call roommate frantically, ask her where the cafe is. She gives me directions for a place that’s about 20 minutes away, walking. I run in my heels towards it, thinking, oh my god, I turned this guy down once and now he’s going to think I stood him up. I am a bastard! I get there, blisters forming on my toes, and realize that it’s another WRONG CAFE. I call the roommate and demand that she actually google the name of the cafe this time. Turns out the cafe is actually close to back where I came from–another good 20 minutes away, or 25 if you figure in time for the hobbling that will ensue from the blistered feet in heels. (I am also caked in the grime of my own sweat and melted makeup by this point.) She logs onto my email account and emails him that I’ll be late. I make it over there at last, and the first thing out of my mouth is: “Hi! There’s only one word for what just happened, and that word is FIASCO.”

That date actually went very well; he didn’t want to leave, although an hour later all I wanted to do was go home and take a hot shower. We made arrangements to see a movie, which we did this past Saturday. Final verdict: a nice guy. Fun. But a little too young for me; he didn’t catch the slightly provocative flirts I passed along, so I didn’t feel any interest along those lines. Maybe he was just dense. There was an awkward moment in the car at the end of the date when I think he wanted a kiss, and I threw my arms around him and said: “you deserve a hug!” And that was the end of that.

Some advice for gentlemen seeking love online

First order of business: Washington. A good guy, clearly respectful and decent, no complaints here. But there was NO spark. Not even a sad little fizzle. He just seemed…old. And actually, he was no older than anyone I’ve ever dated, but he was just…so…fixated on how old he was. And he clearly wanted to just GET MARRIED AND GET IT OVER WITH which is not very attractive. But he was nice. The final but: but I think neither he nor I want to take this further. It was an amicable date. And that’s all it was.

Roomie has been prodding me regularly to keep going with it, though I have taken 3 or 4 day breaks from checking my account. Having been at it for almost a month now, though, I would like to submit a few suggestions to men attempting the rather chancy venture of online dating:

1. Have a photo on your profile. I mean, not to be shallow here, but why would I show you my photo and then be OK with no photo on yours? Fair’s fair, right? I also understand that there is a high correlation between a lack of photo on dating profiles and that person being involved in infidelity.
2. In said photo, avoid: pictures where half your face is covered by a beer bottle, beer mug, or other alcoholic beverage. Where you are clearly drunk. Pictures of you with your buds, being manly. No cross-dressing…it troubles me. And cats. I have come across a shocking number of pictures where men have posed with their cats. Occasionally the cat is being cuddled…other times the cat is…just there. Plopped on the couch, clearly disgruntled. Is this supposed to be some sort of clever innuendo about vagina? Why are there no dog/fish/turtle photos? What’s with the cats? Are you trying to get in with the future cat ladies of the world?
3. Be more specific in your self-description. “I’m a fun guy looking for a nice girl” is not going to get any responses, especially if it’s coupled with no photo.
4. Don’t put yourself down in your profile. Such as, “I could stand to lose a few pounds” or “I’m not having much success out there.” And saying that you’re cynical and sarcastic 3+ times in one profile might worry a prospective date. On the other hand, baldly declaring that you are handsome and attractive with no modest qualifier is also hrm-inducing.
5. Be unique; pretty much everyone will say that they like to travel, like to go out and try new things, eat, yadda yadda yadda, but what makes you unique? Anecdotes are great here. “Once, while I was tagging caribou in Siberia…”
6. Spelling. Grammar can be tricky, I grant you, but SPELLING. How hard is it to spell “beautiful”?

Alright, I’ve said my piece. Back to sifting through the profiles…not that I’m a great catch at all, but I don’t believe the people who say that chemistry.com doesn’t hook you up with enough matches. There are 60some sitting in my account. And I’m quite ordinary, in appearance and presentation. So overall this is working out well, in terms of options. But I’m still going to give Plenty of Fish a spin, once this subscription runs out.

And ballet…yes, still going. More ballet posts soon.

Watch out, men of the world! pt. 3: a date, a date, a very important date

The 1-2-3 process in chemistry.com is somewhat cumbersome, I think, but necessary. I do like being able to draw the process out, to get a sense of where this person is coming from: first, a survey of general criteria of what he/I value in a relationship, then short answers (“what would you take with you to a desert island?”), and then email and a meeting. So I worked through it and met my first match today for tea!

Men of the world, watch out! pt. 2: Chemistry.com survey

After my dismaying encounter with eharmony, I went to chemistry.com, which I understand to be an offshoot of match.com. I have heard mixed things about match.com itself; I do know at least one couple that met on that site, but it seems rather meat market-ish. I understand it’s more inclined towards casual dating than serious relationships per se, and so chemistry.com is match.com’s bid to take over some of eharmony’s share of that “serious relationship” market. So I gave chemistry.com a shot.

Watch out, men of the world! Also: eharmony fail

I have always been a climb-back-on-the-horse person. (Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. So says Einstein.)

So: at the urging of two of my closest, oldest friends–one of whom is in a happy relationship because of this–I am giving online dating a shot. My expectations are actually quite low. Non-existent, really, in terms of real romance and a real relationship. At this point in time, I still can’t imagine anyone but you-know-who in my life. On the other hand, I am still hesitant about accepting his overtures of restarting the relationship. So my mental interest in finding a new boyfriend or man-love is…low. To nil. But, as my friend and advisor (let’s call her Belle) suggests, it’s a good way to make friends, and it’s better to go into it hoping to make friends than to find a soulmate.

Two nights ago I gave eharmony a spin. I had given a gift membership to my mother a year ago, and she did not care for it at all (“too many ugly people”). But I liked their whole compatibility business, and it seems like a very earnestly put together enterprise, although I find their model couples in their commercials kind of annoying. So I sat down and with the help of my roomie finished their hour-long survey. And out of 12 million members? I had seven. Seven matches. Seriously? I had heard that if you are a highly educated woman, eharmony can be rough on you. Very rough. But…seven! Deleted my trial run account. Stat.

Roomie also observed that it seems like eharmony is trying to find a match who is as much like me as possible. This is bad, very bad.

Moreover, one thing that I thought was interesting was that eharmony matched me with all Asian men; I like Asian men well enough, but…really? ALL of them were Asian? Weird.

Next post: tentative success, in finding a decent dating site.

p.s. I found a good ballet teacher! Huzzah!