Last night, I was talking to the roomie about dating. I told her that when I get dressed up, put on makeup, all that jazz, etc., I know I look good–to me. I’m satisfied. I look in the mirror and feel pleased. But I’m always shocked–shellshocked! that men find me attractive as well. I’m rather astonished by this phenomenon.
Ugly duckling syndrome, she said. Let’s face it: I was not a looker in high school. Acne, extra weight, no concept of hair products or makeup…a lot of studying and nerdy pursuits. It was a fun childhood, though; an extended childhood, really, because she and I spent high school innocent of dating and its vagaries.
Then, I had a period of blossoming in college; lost some weight, started wearing makeup, learned the secrets of hair gel. Boys were interested! And I felt flattered…but I also felt contempt. Wasn’t I the same person, after all? Only the packaging changed.
So, post college, gained back some weight (ah, grad school). Now, it’s coming off again; I’m down about 25 lbs. And I’m just not used to the attention again, and it’s discomfiting. A bit foreign. For all his faults, my ex (Mr. P), loved me and my body even at its highest weight; I feel, then, vaguely suspicious of men who are interested in me now. Self-defeating? Yes, enormously.
This is going to take some time to figure out.
Well, I think you’re quite the looker.
Acne, bookishness, and extra weight can be turn-offs, it’s true, but I really think attractiveness is all in the attitude. (Well, okay, fine. I admit it: for me, acne is a deal-breaker. But I come from a long genetic line of good skin; I’m probably programmed to look for the same in all potential mates.) If you’d been as flirty and interested in men in high school as you are now, I bet you would have had your fair share of takers… probably even more than now, knowing high school boys!! And, as I say, you’re perfectly gorgeous; I am not in the least surprised that men are interested in you.
But I understand your feelings because I actually have the same reaction about people liking me for my personality. And I have no explanation. I don’t think I have a self-esteem problem; frankly, I think I’m pretty amazing! But I am always very surprised and touched to find that other people recognize it. I guess we all have our neuroses.
Comment by satsumaart — November 4, 2009 @ 10:26 pm |
There’s a lid for every pot, said the mother of one of my friends. And for almost all types of people, lookswise and personalitywise, there’s a match out there…
But it’s true: so much is about attitude. I’ve been surprised that basically all my dates have wanted second dates, although only one has advanced to the fourth (Monroe!). Roomie says it’s personality, and the fact that my photos don’t lie. Ha.
Thanks for thinking I’m a looker. Still working on that
Comment by apricot — November 11, 2009 @ 8:37 pm |
Hehe, I’m not sure I like being compared to a pot, but otherwise it’s a cute saying.
Your photos are CUTE, so they definitely don’t lie.
Hope things are going well with Monroe!! And everything else!
Comment by satsumaart — November 12, 2009 @ 11:07 pm |